Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen...

Monday, February 06, 2006

ok, so i have a new guy. he is really really great. we met at a party of a mutual friend. actually, when i say party, it was like, six or so of us who all happened to show up there at the same time and alcohol was involved. i dont remember much at all about that night. i remember getting there, and the first few shots. (they were fun!) i also remember takin a few body shots. that was an interesting experience. i dont remember bege being there but for about half an hour. i know he left with caroline's mom for a long long time. i think its really funny how i dont remember him bein there. i never really knew bege before that night. but the next day we started talkin online, and he said that we had talked a lot the night before. hmm, interesting. i dont remember that, but thats cool. we talked all that day, and night, and any time we were both at the computer screen.
so, at this point im thinking, "how cool. theres a guy here that i may have a chance with. he is great, chill, and really sweet. whats wrong with this picture??" well, of course, he was moving in a couple of days...GREAT! i told myself so! not only was he moving away...500 or so miles north to ohio! thats super fantastic! serves me right for liking someone! just my luck, story of my life!
so, the next day, he asked me if i wanted to hang out. i said sure, because i really wanted to get to know him before he left. well, we decided to go to the movies to see Fun With Dick and Jane.
so bege gets to my house an hour or so before we needed to go to the movies. we chill with my brother, who was in his boxers, mind you. i made him put on some pants and come to my room and we watched Mr Deeds. then we went to the movies. that was a great time. the movie was hilarious. we got in the car afterwards, freezing because the weather is soooo unpredictable on the obx in the wintertime. chilled, we sat for a minute. i suggested that we go to the beach, and bege said ok. thats when i knew that i had a chance. i mean, what guy in his right mind would say yes to going to the beach at eleven o'clock at night in the freezing cold winter, unprepared, without blankets and whatnot?
so, at that, i knew he was a keeper. (hehe, not really, but it was really sweet of him)
so we went to the beach. we layed there for a few, in the sand. we stared up at the sky and talked about music, and aliens. ( i know, very serious and intelligent conversations we have : ) )
then we went for a walk. we walked about a mile up and down the beach. ok, what isnt romantic about this scenario?!?! he took me home, and i couldnt get him out of my mind! not only did i just have quite possibly the most romantic time of my life thus far, but i also couldnt stop thinking about how he was moving in two days. no fun for me, right??

so the next day, yes, we talked. a lot. i asked him how he was going to spend his last day on the obx. i told him that he should spend it doing whatever he wanted to do. it was his last day, and it should be incredible! he then proceeded to ask me if i wanted to come over. wow! i felt honored! he wanted to spend time with me on his last day here. so i met him at the beach later that night. we stayed there for a good while. then we went to see austin. jamie and david soon followed. so, there we were. five people cramped into austin's teeny tiny room. lets just say that room was made for austin...and thats it! we had a fun time there, but left after a short while. we all went back to bege's house. david and jamie followed, cause bege was going to give jamie some alcohol. ha, typical male departing gift. it was so sad watching those boys say goodbye to each other. they tried to act all masculine about it, but it reminded me of little boys saying bye to their best friend. so sad! i wanted to cry.
so after the goodbyes were said, bege invited me up to his room for a while. we got up there and talked forever. finally, his mom's alarm clock went off. i asked if she would mind if i was there that late, and bege just looked at me and was like, "we'll wait for her to hit the snooze button and then you can leave." awesome, so im picturing his mom coming upstairs with a shotgun saying, "why do you have a girl up here this late bj?!?!" so we waited, and he walked me to my car. we said our goodbyes. so, i went home, after the most incredible night of my life. and i had a boyfriend.
o yea, i left that part out. quite an important part of this story. while we were at the beach, we discussed whether or not it would be worth the try. i said that i could do it if he could. so, we decided to give it a try.

and thats the story of my current like. i say like because i dont love him in a romantic sort of way. not yet. maybe someday, but hey, im only eighteen! i have an entire life to fall in love. no rush right now. im just living my life one day at a time, and one moment at a time. no hurry for falling in love, or anything serious. im over the rush. im just having a fun day, one at a time.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

serious guy # 2

(this one is a continuance of the first post in this blog. it may be a little hard to understand unless youve read the first. youve been warned.)

i think i left off when russ was contemplating our relationship. he didnt want to rush into anything, and i understood that, but at the same time, im a selfish person. i wanted to be with him. i liked him and he liked me. there didnt seem like there was a reason for us not to be together. i think that if you like someone, you should be with them. i was so confused, and i really didnt want to sit around, waiting for something that may or may not happen. i told him that i would wait until he made a decision. i thought that that would take a week or so, tops. several weeks later, i couldnt take it any longer.
i needed to be with someone. i was so lonely. not only was russ two and a half hours away, but we werent even together. i can handle distance, i cant handle being alone. especially when i liked him so much.
one night, i was really bored. i got online and started talking to anthony. i went to school with him in high school, and like everyone from the outer banks does, we both ended up going to ecu. how ironic? anywho, i asked him if i could come over that night because i had nothing else to do. he said something along the lines of, "well, i guess, but i really want some tonight." (not in those exact words, but more or less) i agreed to come over. i was desperate to get out of the dorm room, and get off campus for the night. plus, he was a pretty cool guy.
ill leave the rest of that night up to your imagination. i will kiss and tell...i wont tell anymore than that. and we kissed...
o yea, a slight twist to this story...
in high school, anthony wrestled. hmm, how ironic... louis wrestled! yes, they were best friends. theyve lost touch since college, but every now and then, they will get together and surf and whatnot. during fall break, we were all on the outer banks, and they, you guessed it, went surfing. afterwards, i went to louis' house to see him. he told me that anthony had a thing for me, but he is never serious about a girl...ever. he had never had a serious relationship with a girl. he doesnt know how to treat a lady. when i got back to greenville, i was talking to anthony, and he said that louis had warned him not to touch me. (this was all before anthony and i "kissed")

so i was getting ready to walk to class, chatting online and whatnot. i was talking to russ and he asked me if i had had any "hookups". i honestly replied with, "well, kind of with anthony", but i had to go to class so i had to leave him with that. i called him on the way to class and tried to explain myself, but i had broken his heart. i cried on my way to class, sobered up a little, went to class, and as soon as i left, started to cry again. i went straight to my car. i was bawling and i couldnt start. i talked to russ and told him everything, and then i had to pick hannah up to go home.
i never told russ that i liked him after that. because if he wants to go and get heartbroken over something that he could have had, but never went for, that is his deal the way i see it. so, it was then that i realized that i didnt want that relationship to work out.

christmas break...

i really wanted to see louis again. even if it was just for a few hours, one time. i needed to know if he was ok, or if he wanted to talk about the breakup. we never actually broke up, so i was a little confused. i had been tryin to get another guy a few times, but it never worked out. i was convinced that it was because in my subconsious, i needed a conclusion to that chapter of my life. i couldnt move on without that. so, i called louis and asked him if he wanted to get together at all during the break. he didnt seem too enthusiastic about it. i called him one night, with no answer, i gave up. he called me back the next night at midnight, but i had a lot to drink that night, spent the night with adam, who had turned my phone off because it was low on battery. his message said, "if you want to get together tomorrow for breakfast around 9, call me". i was so excited about that. i called him around 8 30, and 9, and 9 30, and so on until i gave up. he wasnt answering his phone. i was upset first of all for that. he had the nerve to make a plan and not answer his phone! he called back later that night around 9. i had gone to a christmas party that hillarys dad was hosting at coastal cactus. we were sitting in the car, waiting for all of the "tipsy" adults to come, when he called back. he asked if i wanted to hang out that night. i turned him down, mainly because i had just made plans with hills to go over to her house. she dropped me off at my house, i got my things, and i decided to stop by louis' house for a few.
i purposely went to the upstairs door. his mom greeted me with a hug and a huge smile. i talked to her for a bit, then went downstairs to see louis. he didnt even pry his eyes off of the tv screen that he was playing video games on. he said, "hey, ill be done in a minute"!!!
i immediately went upstairs and talked to his mom. louis came up there about ten minutes later. he said, "hey, whats up?" and walked back downstairs. i went down with him, and watched him as he watched his little brother play video games. we talked small talk for about twenty minutes, if even that. i couldnt take the awkward silence, so i left. louis at least had the decency to walk me to my car, but that was it. A HUG!!! is that so hard to ask for. i hadnt seen the guy in half a year, and he wouldnt even give me a hug!? i stormed to my car and sped away, as soon as i sat down in the seat, i started bawling. whats new? me, leaving louis' house, not bawling would be quite an accomplishment. i had seen him off so many times while we were dating after he would come home for the weekends, which were rare, and every time i would cry and cry, the whole way home. most of the time i would have to pull over and stop at the beach and calm myself down before heading home from his house. i immediately called adam, crying, of course, and told him everything. i was crying so hard i couldnt really see the road and was just praying i stayed on it. i finally got to manteo, and louis called me. i got off the phone with adam, and started talking to him.
pretty much he told me that he is disapointed in me and doesnt like the idea of talking to me or seeing me, but he will give it a shot. slowly. after the breakup, i wanted to be friends with him so badly, but he cut me off 100%. i even told him that. he said he wasnt sure if it would work out like that, and that i had hurt him so bad, it pained him to think about me. cool! i love how i ruin lives!
i sat in hillarys driveway, talking to louis and bawling my eyes out for 45 mintues before sobering up and going inside. i walked in and she immediately said, "what happened to you?!?!" i told her everything, and cryed the entire time! i have never been so crushed by one person like i was that night. he just stabbed me in the heart and twisted! i didnt want us to get back together, that wasnt my intention at all. i did, however, want to be friends with him like we had been friends before we dated. i am totally over him now, and moving on to bigger and better things. : )

moral of the story: love is tough, and complicated. but who said it was suppose to be easy?

Monday, December 26, 2005

Me and serious man #1...

well, i guess if you know me, that would be louis. if you dont know me, well, i guess youre in for a great story...
it all began in the begining of my tenth grade year. i met this guy named jon through the internet. i know, internet relationships...not a good idea. but this guy seemed cool enough. he im'ed me one day the summer before tenth grade, just before school started. he said how he had just moved here from virginia, and how he was going to manteo and lived on canal. canal is just a few streets away from where i lived then, and i told him that we would probably be riding the same bus. he told me what he would be wearing for the first day of school, and i actually saw him on the bus. i said hey, and introduced myself and all. now, if you know me, you know that this is totally out of place for me to do this. talk to a perfect stranger! what was i thinking?!?! but this guy seemed really cool. and he was.
so the first few weeks of school were great! i remember that i was more sociable then than i ever had been, and have been, since. i made so many new friends. i was hanging out with people like elissa and mandy, girls that i never thought i would ever hang out with. elissa, ironically, was friends with eric, which, i guess, is where the irony continues...
eric, jon, will, and louis had all tried out for the wrestling team. they all made it, becoming good friends through wrestling. at first, i wanted to go for eric. he was ungodly beautiful. i had actually had a crush on him for a while. it wasnt until elissa brought me over to meet him that i talked to him. i would heavily flirt, but i think the entire time, i knew that nothing would come of that. just a minor fling, thats all. the next guy i would have gone for was will. will was extremely cute, but a little too skinny and pot-headed for my taste. i wouldnt have gone for jon. i dont know why, but he seemed like someone i could talk to, never really having anything more than that. louis was the last one i ever saw myself with. he was a year older than me, hotter than any guy there. he was tall, and ripped. i didnt even give myself a fighting chance with him. then, one day, something just clicked. maybe it was when eric and jon got kicked out of school for pulling the fire alarm, and will didnt really hang out with us anymore. so it was me, louis, and elissa. mandy came along later. the four of us. i knew that louis had been checking out elissa for a while, on a count of i caught him lookin down her shirt one day. i confronted him about it, and he just laughed. then, i started to like him. we had a lot of alone time, and i got to know him really well.
the last day of the first semester, we were standing in front of the school. i was about to get on the bus, and he was about to either get on the bus or walk over to the alternative school where he had wrestling practice. we exchanged numbers, and i gave him a hug. it was at that very moment that i knew we had chemestry between us. he said it was the same moment for him, too. how ironic? i meet this guy through strange serendipiocity, and we have a moment. i remember the feeling, when your heart stops pumping, and you cant breathe. you are so happy, and you are left speechless. i pulled away, getting onto the bus. i called him the next day, and we talked every day that winter break. one of the first days back at school, he asked me back.
we were walkin to class (he had made it a habbit to walk me to class), and he stopped in front of the library. he said how since he met me, he has had a huge crush on me, whatnot, and he said he had butterflies in his stomach. i said yes, and that was the first day of the next 2.5 years with him. january 29.
for our six month anniversary, he didnt tell me what we were doing. he had called my mom and asked for her permission to take me to designated places, and she agreed. she wouldnt let me do anything without her final ok, and he knew this, but wanted to keep our date a secret. he picked me up, and we went to lodavicci's, a nice italian restaurant. he gave me a sterling silver ballet shoe charm on a beautiful chain.
i dont really remember any other major milestones with him. i remember on our one year anniversary, i called him just before eight o'clock, the time he asked me out, and said happy anniversary. i loved doing little things like that, little romantic things.
well, the end of his senior year was coming, the end of my junior year, and we werent sure what was going to happen. i went to his graduation, and teared up a bit. my boyfriend, my best friend was officially out of high school and moving on with his life. it hit me like a ton of bricks. i cried a lot that day. he took me to his grandparents house right after graduation. we almost got caught there. not good!
during my dating louis, he never pressured me into doing anything physical, but he was always such a great boyfriend, and i knew that he would like stuff like that. it was like, no pressure, but i felt guilty because i didnt know how to please him. i mean, he would buy me things, or say how beautiful i was, and all. there was little that i could do that would make him glow. well, a few things...
anyways, back to his graduation. i was losing my best friend at the end of the summer, and i knew it. the day of his graduation, we went to his grandparents, like i said. he sat me down, and i started to bawl. i couldnt stop. i told him that i knew then that we had a small chance of actually surviving the summer, knowing that he was leaving in the fall. he told me not to worry about it, and that we would have a great summer, and then see. he pretty much put my mind to rest about it, saying that he wouldnt be the one to break up with me. he said that he liked being with me so much, and he didnt see himself happier with anyone else. that made me sleep easier at night.
we had a pretty good summer. he worked a heck of a lot. he had two jobs, at windmill point restaurant and kitty hawk sports. he had little time to spend with me, but when we were together, we had so much fun.
even though we were having all of this fun, the summer was ending, and i knew that our fun would end with it. how could we be together if he was seven hours away from me? i wouldnt be able to see him every single day like i had been the past few years. i didnt see him wanting to stay with a high school girl, when he was a gorgeous college guy. i knew that the temptation would be heavy. i knew that girls would be all over him all of the time. i told myself that no matter what happened between us, we would remain friends.
i told louis that i would forgive him if he ever decided to do anything with any other girl he met. i knew that he was there and i was here, and i accepted it. although i would have preferred him to not do "anything" with any other girl, i honestly would have forgiven him for anything. he ended up trying my patience...
three days before spring break, louis called me. he said that a few nights ago, a friend of his (a girl), had one of her girlfriends come and visit her from appalachan college. louis had gone out with them, gotten drunk, and had this other girl spend the night with him. he said all they did was make out, and to this day, i believe him. we were so honest with each other. we told each other everything. i told him that i forgave him for it. mostly because he told me so quickly. i would have forgiven him anyways because i had promised him this before. we werent on a break, but free to see other people. the way i saw it, i loved him. i wasnt about to mess that love up by doing anything else with any other guy. he messed it up, but lucky for him, i forgave him before he even did anything. things happen, and i didnt want to be "that" girl back at home that prevened him from any other potential relationship. thats what i told him.
so, he came home for spring break. i pretended like it hadnt happened. i didnt want to hold a grudge against him, although i wished he hadnt dont it. i guess during that spring break we were completely back together. although i forgave him, he never really showed me he was sorry about what he did. but it was ok, because i loved him. it was just a silly thing, and he was drunk when he did it, so i moved on completely, putting my feelings behind. we were going to have the entire summer together, and it was going to be a great one!
just before he was suppose to come home for summer break, he called me and told me the news. he had found jesus, and was going to go to myrtle beach for the summer to witness. me, being the selfish girlfriend, wanted him to come home to see me. he had left me for an entire year, and i was looking forward to having him there for the summer. it didnt even seem like he cared about me anymore. we were talking less and less. i was upset. he came home for about a week, then left me, once again. once he got to myrtle beach, we rarely talked. we had agreed to see other people that summer. i thought that maybe he had found someone else in myrtle beach. everytime that i asked him about it, he denyed. i believe him. the middle of the summer was approaching, and i was sick of being alone! i couldnt take having a boyfriend that i rarely got to see. one that hadnt called me for the entire summer! thats right, louis never once that summer volenteerily called me that entire summer!
while i was workin, i got really close to someone else. russ was always such a fun and nice person. he was quite a bit older than me, and he had a girlfriend, so i always assumed he was off limits. he and alanya had been dating for five years. i even went to her birthday party. she was awesome. she had also worked with us the previous summer, but hated it there. it never seemed like her and russ got along, but that was their relationship. they were always short with one another, but some couples are like that. they thrive off of confrontation.
so, russ and i got reallllly close. he kept saying how alanya was going to move, and she would be out of the house for good. i guess i just assumed it would be sooner, rather than later. she always said, "im going to take my things to my parents house this weekend." she never did.
so, one night, russ and i were talking on the phone. he stepped outside to talk to me because one, he didnt get very good reception inside, and two, alanya was in there. (i think more because of two, but thats just my opinion) at the end of each phone conversation, i would say my goodbyes, and goodnights, and miss you's. he did, too. so we said our thing, and got off of the phone.
ten minutes later, russ called me and said that alanya stormed out of the house crying. she had heard our entire phone conversation through evesdropping through the guest bedroom. i was pissed that he hadnt told her everything that was going on before that. the entire time, i would say, "you should tell alanya everything. itll be bad if she finds out for herself. she will not only be crushed, but feel betrayed." well, you can imagine what happened next. she got crushed, and feeled betrayed. i would have if i had been in her shoes! and i was the cause of it all!
she moved out two days later, this time for good. she slowly found out more and more about russ and i, mind you he didnt tell her any of it! she would find out from other people, or through myspace, or whatnot. she disliked him more and more, but she HATED me! she, without actually saying it, threatened me from coming to the theater ever again! so, for the next few months, i saw no movies. i just didnt want to be put into a bad situation.
russ on the other hand, had it worse. because he ended up not only losing a girlfriend, but his best friend. she refused to be friends with him after that. i had assumed that since he did all of that, maybe we would end up together. i guess i was wrong. he wasnt ready for another relationship. i was. i wanted to be with him so badly. i told him all the time how much i just wanted to be with him. he said that it would be best if we werent together. that frustrated me. im a college girl, in greenville, on my own. although i hadnt met any guys in greenville worth considering, im sure if i looked, i could find some nice ones. but i liked russ. i dont ever just "settle" with anything! i wanted russ, even if i had to wait for him to come around.